I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
