theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
