We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
