he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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