The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
