Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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