M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
