it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
