i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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