I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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