Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I AM VODKA MAN
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
