kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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