Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
