3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so let's talk penis.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
