And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
