Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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