I seem to have left my pride at pride
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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