he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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