You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
