You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
