Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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