ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
