I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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