____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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