I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
