I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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