I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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