Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
