I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
