last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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