I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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