shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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