10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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