if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
