Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
