That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
