Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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