You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
