nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
