The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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