During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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