I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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