It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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