well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We need to get me chipped asap
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
