just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
