I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
