My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
