Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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