I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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