Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
