She went from zero to smokin in five shots
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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